This one is for my toddlers out there. The ones who are testing limits and learning what the boundaries are. If you think your infant is doing some of these things intentionally… they’re not. Just redirect and move one.
There’s a lot of different positions on what you can do when your little hits, bites, kicks, pinches. There’s the ignore and keep going, the calling attention to it, the time out (don’t even get me started on the research behind time outs), even the yelling. So I’m here to share my approach, which is a little bit of a combo package. It’s important to do a little bit of all the steps! Doing just one will not be as effective in the long run. And remember, we are playing a long game.
Keep a calm, neutral face and tone. Sometimes little ones may be doing this because they want attention or like your loud reaction, so try to keep as calm as possible. Don’t yell, don’t raise your voice, stay neutral! This is HARD, especially after an unexpected bite.
Calmly use words to tell them no, and suggest a different activity. You want to verbalize what your limit is. Saying something like, “Hands are not for hitting people. Would you like to hit this pillow instead? I see that you’re body is angry.” Which leads to the next point…
Label the emotion you see and where it lives in their body. Sometime kiddos do these things because they’re angry, sad, excited, tired, hungry… By doing this you are helping them learn about their feelings and how to express them. Because expressing all feelings is important.
Offer a method to help calm down. This is going to depend on their mood, what they like, etc. You may offer to give them a hug, to read a book about not hitting, to take deep breaths, to have a dance party. Anything that helps their (and you’re!) body regulate.
Once they’re calm, restate the limit. Remember, it’s really hard to learn when we’re upset.
Repeat as needed!
What’s important to remember is that it’s not malicious, your child is not manipulating you, they are not a bad kid. They are learning how to regulate and control their emotions, and knowing what’s appropriate or not. That does not mean you let them hurt you. You can definitely remove yourself and keep your body safe by saying just that!
“I’m going to put you down because I need to keep my body safe. I’d love to help you calm down when you’re ready. I’ll be right here.”
Because, you guessed it, it’s about responding with support and love. Its about teaching them that you are there to help them no matter what, but that we need to respect each other. It’s about co-regulating.
Have you had this happen to you? What did you try and did it work? Do you really want to hear my thoughts on time out? Let me know in the comments or email me back!
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